How many fresh starts do we actually get in our lives? I guess that completely depends on how clean you want your slate. I had extremely high hopes that with my new "tabula rasa", introspection would lead me on a voyage of discovery about myself that one could only dream of. Would I be able to coax desirable characteristics into existence- waking them from their slumbers within my being whilst banishing the less desirable traits? It is seldom that one is presented with a chance to change their lives so drastically that decisions affecting every aspect of life have to be remade. The choices made prior to now- to this very moment, are seemingly outdated and ready for version 2.1. The perfect opportunity to reinvent ourselves, to find undemonstrated characteristics hidden within our psyche, is now. Right?
New jobs? Check.
New country? Check.
New Visas? (the living in a place kind, not the charging kind) Check.
New bank account? Check.
New apartment? Coming soon.
New furniture? Following the apartment.
New outlook? Sort of.
New Nikki and Paul? Hmm....oh. Not really.
Wow, and we started off so strong. What happened? With all of this reinvention, why is there not a new Nikki and Paul?
Of course, the cock-eyed optimist in me wants to be the person I know I am inside. I want to be strong enough, powerful enough, and dedicated enough to make a difference in my life and in the lives of others. I want to be able to improve the world we're living in, not just soak up its resources. I want to be committed enough to reduce my carbon footprint, to eat organically, to live selflessly.
The truth is, I'm not perfect. I like little bits of selfishness and enjoy some merely aesthetic and vain things. I even enjoy some things that are not eco-friendly. And I still like who I am. My values, my strength, my decisions in life...have all lead me to who and where I am right now. Sure, we can all work on being better to the environment and our bodies. I can resolve to be more tidy and punctual (both of which I'm proud to say I have been doing very well at). Then, the vain part of me realizes that I can also purchase modern, trendy furniture and decorate in vibrant colors and not worry about saving it all, purchasing mutual funds, or anything else completely responsible. I can purchase new clothes and splurge on vain things- in moderation. I can even focus on self-improvement in certain areas. I am still who I am, where ever I may be. The people here, regardless of their walk in life, see the same Nikki that my friends and family have known for years. Which, by the way, makes me happy (insert a small dose of humble pride here). I like that people meet the person I have always been. I hope they see the characteristics that I like about myself and look past the small imperfections that we, as imperfect creatures, have. I'll keep working on the nuances that make me human and imperfect. While doing so, however, I relish the realization that no matter where I am in this world that is big and small at the same time (thanks for the quote Jenn), I am the person you all know. There isn't a need to reinvent ourselves. We can have fun restyling, reviving, and revisiting ourselves, but when it comes down to it- we are who we are by the choices we make every day and how we treat those who share this big, small world with us. :)
Well Miss Nikki,your education and knowledge have taken this comment just a bit over my head. But I think I get the gist of it. No matter how many "blank slates" you might start with, you will always be my Nikki; a most loved and loving grandaughter who educates us , makes us smile and shares her great experinces with us. Be happy and continue to be the ambassador of good will you spread to those you meet. I love you and I love your blog which is opening up new vistas for those of us who read it.
ReplyDelete